I love ranch dressing. I know a lot of people do, but I don’t think there is anyone of the planet who loves ranch more than my friend, Christy. When we were in high school, she would eat ranch on everything… green beans, pizza, even pancakes (I think she might have tried that last combination just to shock people). When Christy created an AOL Instant Messenger name she went with ILoveRanchD, and all these years later, I have a hard time now remembering her eating something that didn’t include ranch. She was truly obsessed!
Our senior year, our high school organized a trip for us to go on. Now, it was primarily so we wouldn’t go off and do anything too raucous or depraved on our own. But it ended up being a pretty sweet trip… a cruise to the Bahamas!
On that trip, we ate dinner every single night at the same round table with the same server. And every single night, he would walk around holding a tray with three different salad dressings on it, asking us which one we wanted. All of the dressings had these pretentious, mile-long names like “Rosemary Vinaigrette with Red Raspberry Vinegar.” And every single time, Christy would ask, “Do you have any ranch?” And the answer was always the same, “No.”
Christy started off feeling pretty disappointed, but as the trip progressed, it developed into devastation and then major withdrawal. The server, on the other hand, who answered her question patiently enough the first night, quickly became more and more irritated as the trip went on. One night, without even telling her what the available dressings were, he just glanced her way and said, “No! We do NOT have any Ranch!”
Finally, one day we docked at Nassau and walked around the Atlantis Resort and stumbled upon a buffet. (Looking back at pictures, I think it was Poseidon’s Table). Anyhow, there at the salad bar they had, you guessed it, Ranch! I’ve never seen someone so happy in my entire life! I think Christy just ate plate after plate of salad for lunch, and she didn’t even really like salad. But then one of our adult chaperones, Ms. Lochridge, had an awesome idea. There were also burgers on the buffet and next to them, these 2 oz. bottles of ketchup. Ms. Lochridge suggested that Christy fill up as many of the bottles as she could with ranch. So she and I set off to the women’s restroom where we rinsed out six or seven of the tiny bottles. Women were walking in and out of the restroom the whole time, and each of them looked at us like we were nuts. But, we were on a mission.
Then, with all of the bottles in hand, we went back to the buffet. Only there was one problem… Christy was getting cold feet and was terrified that an employee would see her and fuss at her. So she asked for me to cause a distraction. Now, I am not sure what I did. I just remember beginning to scream and wave my hands frantically around. I ended up getting kicked out of the restaurant, but Christy got her bottles of ranch! I call that taking one for the team, my friends!
That night, when our server came by to tell us our salad dressing choices, Christy just looked at him and said, “That’s okay, I brought my own.” Then, she reached into her purse and pulled out one of the bottles. It was literally like one of those Kraft salad dressing commercials from the early ’90’s where the woman carried dressing in her purse.
So yeah, clearly Christy loved ranch.
If she feels like your soul sister, don’t worry! I’ve got you covered! I am pleased to announce that I cracked the code for creating a Paleo and Whole 30-friendly Ranch dressing mix that tastes just like the real thing.
It also couldn’t be simpler and it takes just seconds to create. It also makes a lot (the equivalent of four 1 oz. envelopes).
Do you love Ranch dressing but are super bummed that you can’t eat it now that you are Paleo or are doing a Whole 30? Well, here is a paleo ranch seasoning mix that is 100% healthy and tastes just like the real thing!
1 tsp Redmond Onion Salt
2 tbsp parsley
1.5 tsp dill weed
2 tsp dried chives
2 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp dried onion flakes
1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
Mix all of the ingredients together and store in an airtight container. Makes the equivalent of 4 envelopes (2 Tbsp. equals one 1 oz. packet).
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